Remote Controller

I have subscribed to Private Eye for umpteen years, and have always found it to be amusing and useful in bringing to light injustices and hypocrisies of which the public would otherwise never hear. Sure, it may not be the cutting edge satire that it was when it began, and as much as I admire and respect Ian Hislop the magazine could do with some fresh thinking from the top, but despite these thoughts I always look forward to the day every fortnight when it drops on to my doormat.

The anonymous columnists are by-and-large very readable, and clearly know a great deal about their specialist topic. “MD” has been a favourite of mine since I first handled Lord Gnome’s organ, and obviously I always read “Dr B Ching” for his take on the absurdities of rail policy and privatisation. There is, however, one Eye columnist I cannot stand.

“Remote Controller” confirms in every way my steadfast belief that TV critics are moronic individuals who are simply not sufficiently educated to commentate on a more impressive art form. His rants, sometimes incomprehensible, occasionally contradictory of a previous issue’s tirade and always boring, show how it is possible to be driven to the edges of clinical insanity by a medium which has always been trashy and will never fulfil its potential.

When “Remote Controller” really comes unstuck however is when he tries to branch out and discuss something other than mere programming. We are treated to a prime example of this in the current issue of the Eye (1255), in which RC attacks the boardroom manoeuvres that have resulted in Adam Crozier taking over as Chief Exec of ITV. Crozier, previously boss of Royal Mail, is lambasted by RC for ‘leaving chaos…at the Royal Mail” and for lacking both television and business experience. The man who turned Royal Mail from losing £1m per day to profiting by the same amount is hardly lacking in business experience, and taking on self-interested unions that would rather cause the national economy millions of pounds of damage than work all of their contracted hours does not equate to leaving the company in chaos, but dragging it to where it should be. He didn’t entirely manage, as the recent Dispatches on Channel 4 may have shown, but achieving profitability in a business with a Universal Service Obligation is pretty impressive in itself. Even after the recent job cuts and changes, ITV is unimaginative, bloated and unprofitable. A man with experience of turning the balance sheets black in an organisation which had the same problems should definitely have been considered for a top job at the company, and while cutting staff who are not worth their salary is never popular, pandering to the sick, lame and lazy will never result in a successful company.

Maybe RC’s most recent column is a show of solidarity with those Royal Mail workers who have almost as much time to spend watching TV as he does, but somehow I don’t think he will be finding work after Private Eye as a business analyst.